They said I am getting thinner day by day.
And they said I am ugly.
They said I am way too pale.
And they said that I use whitening cream all over my body.
They said I am weak.
And they said that's because I am not into sport.
They said I am worrying my skin too much.
And they said I spend too much money for my skin care.

That's because they dont know how it feels to step on my foot. Agree?


My mind speaks language people don't understand.
I don't even understand my own mind.
It has weird scheme; how it works, how it spins, all weird.
And I do disappoint people as I communicate my thoughts.
I don't know what to do; feels like I am flying in the middle of unknown.
I have no faith, have no principle, everything goes wrong.
I want to dissolve into molecules.


Let's Talk About Sadness

Where does the sad feeling come from?
Is it culturally constructed? or is it innate?


Mary Lennox To-Be

I want to be Mary of the Secret Garden
so here it is

Welcome to my Secret Garden

Enjoy and stay a while
Hear the rosebuds sing
and the birds chirp

it is your heart
that sing



I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

From Cien Sonetos De Amor
by Pablo Neruda

What Is the Point of Knowing Everything?

This question hangs in my mind since forever and I haven't found the answer yet. What is the point of knowing everything? I'd like to know the answer. Did I ask the same question twice? Yes,I did. That question itches my brain a lot.

It is good to know many things or in other words, it is nice to have Wikipedia Brain and Google Mind. You have everything you need in your brain and you can share it to many people too. Perfect, isn't it?
People will think you are smart.
People will ask a lot of questions to you.
People will ask you to discuss.
People will pay you high respect.
and people will talk behind your back at last L.O.L

Socrates said the best thing I know is I know nothing. So, what is the point of knowing everything then?
In my opinion, it is good to know many things but please watch out your manner. Being smart or being above the line is a gift and you should thank God for that. Please don't misuse your knowledge to discredit other people, please don't ever discredit others and think you are the best of all. That is so annoying, really. What did I say? I am sorry for the flash-intermezzo here, I just want to write so then I can think of the answer.
Do I have to remind you that YOU ARE NOT GOD?
Knowledge you may have,
reason you may have,
theory you may have,
but they will not help you at all.

Hmm, maybe Socrates popped out such phrase to remind us; to keep our head down low and respect others.
Well said, uncle Socrates!


The Penis and the Questions

So this is the story.
I went to Britzone on Friday and I found this book. The title is
Midnight All Day written by Hanif Kureshi. I read the title Strangers When We Meet and I found it very interesting. It reminds me of my fave movie Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. Then I went to the circulation to borrow the book. I thought it was a novel but apparently it was a short story compilation. I went through the pages, read the story one by one and found this short story.
The title is pretty much striking and this is what you call as' 'mbeling' in Javanese. The title is
The Penis. Yes right, clap your hand and jump dear!!
Do you think the title is striking enough? L.O.L
No-no. Please don't think that I am going to write something nasty or porn here. Penis is not always related to porn and whatsoever. Let's try to look at the word penis from another perspective.

So this is the story.
One day, a famous porn star named Doug lost his penis. Doug's penis is amazing; it could erect for hours and grow to the sun. Doug made his living through porn movies and he couldn't imagine what will he do if he lost his penis. Doug was confused and he tried to find his penis. He went all the way to track his penis and he was surprised that his penis has became famous now. His penis talked to many people and held a press conference. His penis wanted to pursue his own career without Doug. Doug needed his penis to do his job as a porn star but his penis wanted to do it without Doug. Doug begged his penis to come back. His Penis had a wish; he wanted to be put in front of Doug's nose or inside Doug's mouth to be more popular. Or, if Doug couldn't accept that wish the penis wanted Doug to do more hanky panky with big size women in his porn movies for the whole life.
(for more detail you can find this story attached to Hanif Kureishi's short story compilation: Midnight All Day)

So this is the question.
Is a penis he or it?
No-no. I am only joking.
The question will be:
What will a man be without his penis?
and What will a penis be without his man?
is a man still a man without his penis?
and is a penis still a penis without his man?

In Doug's case, he will be nothing without his penis. He can't make money to run his live without his penis. How about Doug's penis? Does it need Doug to live? Well, in the world of surreal the penis could live without Doug. But since we live in the world full of realism (or we choose to believe in reali(ty)sm), penis is a mere penis without his master. So what will you say?

Man is a male human.
and Male refers to the sex of an organism, or part of an organism, which produces small mobile gametes, called spermatozoa (www.wikipedia.org)
Well I am not going to make it more complicated, I just want to show you that biologically a human can be a man because of his reproduction system which represents by the penis and the scrotum. If we refer to that statement, is a man can be consider as a man WITHOUT his penis?
Doug is a man. His voice, his muscle, his face, his tummy are all manly. When he lost his penis, does it still make him a man? You know the answer.

But what is a penis mean for Doug actually? What is his reason to have his penis back?
Remember, Doug is a porn star and he needs his penis a lot to....GAIN MONEY. That is the most important thing for Doug to live. If he didn't think of the money he probably wouldn't care of his penis at all. I know that penis is important for any men to live but the value of it depends on how they see it. It is true that penis makes man but is Doug still a man with his penis hanging? or is he more like a man without his penis? You decide.

I don't mean to take this writing erotically. I just want to write because the idea of a man loosing his penis is quite interesting for me. It also has relation to the culture that said size matters. L.O.L the mak erot things are quite hype, aren't they? and I remember Freud and his idea of 'penis envy', power and etc when I write this but I still need to explore it further. The story itself is very witty and far from the so called porn, you better read it by yourself and tell me what you think.


A Belief

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us,
not you or me but just this little space in between.

If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the
attempt of understanding someone sharing something.

I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really?
answer must be in the attempt.

Celine in Before Sunrise

Spin the Wheel

Hello, it's been ages since my last post and yes I am a bad blogger. Well actually, I don't consider myself as blogger since I never put anything here; maybe I am a writer but the bad one. I don't know. Things are confusing lately and things are changing, of course! we live in temporariness, don't we? I feel funny after I re-read what I've written here and got surprise of how things are really changing right now. It's been 6 months or more since my last post and you have missed my stories a lot LOL
My tone changes, my perspective changes, my habit changes (a bit), my status changes, my look changes, my hair style too, my body changes and to sum them up: my world changes and it will always change. We spin like an atom; we are the atom itself. We run, we jump, we live, we love, we drink, we pee, we breathe but we are still the same like we used to be. We change, yes, but we can't go outside ourself. There's something that makes you still you even though you changes a lot. What is it? and what will the dictionary of philosophy describe it? I don't care yet. I just realize that I am changing and spinning like the atom does.

Glad that I live, I am.

Hello From Here